Re: Official Flame Therapy
So I haven't been on here in a long time and I need to vent right now. (This is probably also the jack on the rocks making me want to type too... but that's besides the point)
So... where to start. Well, some of you may remember Rika. I pretty much fixed her life when we started dating. I got her off of drugs, away from wanting to kill her self, away from cigarettes, and away from the people who badly influenced her. I helped her see the light and to see that she had great potential in life. Well, she's in college now to be an EE with a robotics option at Rochester Institute of Technology. This isn't an easy school, nore is it cheap. Luckily she's a female Asian that got good grades, so she gets to go for practically free. Anyway, I'm rambling. We split about 6 months ago (the 3rd would have marked our 4 year anniversary) due to complications in the relationship. I had some serious anger issues when I lost my mother and could not handle stress well. I work as a sales associate at Advance Auto Parts in the city of Rochester and it's anything but a stress free job. This resulted badly. I would come home from work, stressed, and listen to her stress at school. This made me worse. Not to meantion, I would snap if I didn't get a few minutes to relax after work, to my self, with out interruption from anyone and she didn't understand this.
Anyway, we would fight... quite a bit during her second year of college... I at one point wanted to call it off because I felt she was cheating on me (she did once before and it was getting to a similar feeling that I had before) but didn't realize she was just really stressed and I wouldn't accept that, so I shut her out. Of course this makes things worse. So we go on a trip to Toronto with her family. It was a great trip, we had a bunch of fun, but the day after we came back, she tells me (right after I get out of work) that I'm an embarrassment to her and that she's never taking me on a trip again. This set me off. (I laughed at a couple signs and was being a tourist in china town Toronto, big ****ing deal) I told her that, "I find the ignorance between languages and the translation to be funny sometimes." She said, "Ignorance?" I replied with, "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot that you don't know what that means."
That was pretty much our last fight. I raged, (mind you she had her brother and friend in the room at the same time, which embarrassed the hell out of me) left her room, went to the living room and sat on the couch to watch a comedy. Her brother followed me and sat down to talk and watch as well. Her and I weren't on speaking terms for a while and then when we talked again, she asked if we could "take a break." Never again will I ever "take a break." If you feel that way, we're breaking up. I'm sick of childish games. Anyway, so time passes on this break and we kiss a few times and admit we miss each other. (even got.... well... you know...) She then kisses me and asks if we can wait until I get my GED to get back together because it's something thats been bothering her. I agreed and we kissed one last time.
I got my GED and asked her, "...so whats going to happen between us? I fulfilled my promise, I got my GED faster than anyone in the program has ever done it before and passed on my first try." She replies with, "this time apart has shown me that we really don't have anything in common. We aren't compatible and you're too immature for me." This shocked the living **** out of me. I dropped my maturity level to that of hers because I was sick of feeling embarrassed when we went out with friends and figured if I could act "younger" I could feel better. It worked... but apparently she changed without me noticing.
The whole time we were on break, I would try to talk to her and fix things, to figure out what the hell I did so that I wouldn't do it again. She kept running away and wouldn't tell me anything. To me, that right there is gross immaturity. I even spoke to one of her friends recently about the breakup (she didn't realize we had broken it off) and her friend said, "Rika? Mature? You must be really ****ing immature then..."
So, there it stands. The love of my life, that changed my life, that was there for me when my mother died, ON RIKA'S BIRTHDAY, is now gone. I still love her, but see that it was one sided from the beginning and that it wasn't true as I had hoped. I'm still friends with her brother and I go drinking with her dad all the time. I help him out with cars and whatnot and have a solid relationship with both of them... but it hurts every time I see her. I just hope she can find someone that loves her as much as I do, that she can love equally.
This pain has been dwelling inside of me for 6 months and nothing I do gets rid of it for good. I've found love in my car... which I tinker with when I feel pain. It's a great way to escape, but today I find that it has oil in the 4th cylinder. I told my dad to pray for me because I may have to replace the engine, and he replies with, "...you've already put too much money into that piece of junk." The fact that he'd call my love that I've worked so hard on, "a piece of junk" hurt so much.
Then today when I come inside from finding the oil, I get on Facebook to message my friend Meaghan and see how she is doing. (She's a close friend that now lives in FL, who came to visit me last month and we ended up sleeping together... planning to date when she moved back to Rochester to go to school) She is dating another guy in FL.
I'm just so ****ing pissed at everything right now. I can't think clearly and this Jack is the only thing that is nulling me right now. I have been numb for 4 out of the past 6 months... but today, all that pain is returning. I'm just so sick of it all.
It's depressing when you wake up every day, disappointed that you actually woke up when you prayed the night before to not wake the next morning.
I give up. I have nothing left to give, nothing left to do, I don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends because, unfortunately, Rika was the person I could actually vent to and talk to... now I don't have that. Yet, I'm willing to spill my guts on here to complete strangers around the world, some of which don't give a flying ****, and some of which I know... who do care... I just ask that those that do care.... please pray for me.... I'm losing vision now from the tears in my eyes and I can't type anymore... just... please...
armedfuture (3:14:56 AM): they get upset easy when you use big words like "rental" and "air"