View Full Version : No Child Left Behind - The Football Version

11-14-2006, 12:22 PM
One of the funny things that has come out of NCLB has been the myriad of "versions" to this law. One of the funniest ones was the Milk Cow version - if I find it, I'll post it. But right now, here is the football version. Several of you football players might like this one!

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND - The Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.

If after two years they have not won the championship, their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game.

It will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.

11-14-2006, 12:40 PM
It's so true. Worst Law Ever.

11-14-2006, 12:43 PM

11-14-2006, 12:53 PM

11-14-2006, 12:59 PM
sorta like a catch 22

11-14-2006, 02:44 PM
well, once they get through school they get to look forward to:

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM (for football players)

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d)Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

11-14-2006, 02:59 PM
ugh, the whole no child left behind thing really pisses me off. when i was a freshman in arizona (which by something my mom read, has one of the best public school systems) the thing wasn't passed, and i loved school. i was lazy, but i still liked class. then i moved to NC, which has a crappy school system, and i moved here right after it was passed. it caused so many problems for me. i ended up sleeping through half of my last three years of highschool, and i hated school. stupid thing.... anyways, someone should try a Paintball version of it XP

11-14-2006, 03:25 PM
that was a great read vike, and i agree with everyone else that its a retarded thing to follow

11-14-2006, 03:34 PM
\ anyways, someone should try a Paintball version of it XP

Everyone has to shoot talons because one person can not afford anything more, and we don't want to single him out. When one person gets hit, the game is over and everyone calls themselves out. The games are always a draw and everyone hugs after each game.

11-14-2006, 03:38 PM
oh wait, i know, everyone must be of equal levels, if someone is of a higher level, he/she must not practice, and/or use lesser equipment. no one will be shot, as this will hinder their performance. because no one will be shot, no one will win, and since no one wins, everyone wins!