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mv540
09-21-2006, 05:44 PM
I have to wright an essay, so I do it and i want some lil help revising it.

Anyone who wants to help me...great!!!!!...and i will like, well if you want...Viiking a lil help please...ooo great techaer lol....no for serious pliz...:)

You know, like some commas errors, spelling errors and stuff:D

Topic
At the end of your life, how would you most like to be remembered?
Support your response with reasons and examples.

Many people do memorable things that are remembered by everyone.
All your life, you are surrounded by people, like family, friends, etc.
And it doesn’t matter what you do, it will always be remembered; it doesn’t matter if it was bad or good, funny or risky, no matter what, it will mark the way other people see you, and how they will remember you.

There are people that don’t care what they do; but others do care, and they try to do good things, so they can be remembered as awesome persons.
Also some people say that you must do 3 things, like a rule, for be remembered in a special way: Have kids, write a book and sow a tree.

I will like that all the persons I know, will remember me as a person who always fights, a man that do his best effort to gave his family a good, happy life. A person that fought to reach his goals, and no matter what goals he proposed, he always reached them.
Also be remembered as a good athlete, a healthy man, a big, proud champion. Also as a professional paintball player, and for last, be remembered as an amazing dad.

I like very much be remembered as an amazing dad, of course, having a great example of my dad, I can visualize how to do it, and make it better.
Also be remembered as a person who likes to fight, a man that doesn’t give up easily to the most hard moments in life; some examples will be: If there is no money for the house, if I doesn’t have a work or my company broke, and stuffs like that.

Another important thing, that I like to accomplished, is be remembered as a professional paintball player.
That is one of my biggest goals; being a professional paintball player is not that easy, there is a lot of competition and here in Guatemala is hard to get involved in this sport, because is just not that popular. But persevering and practicing, I will like to reach that goal, or better said I will reach that goal.

As I said before, it doesn’t matter what you do, you will be remembered for your actions you make in your life, it doesn’t matter what you do, a bad or good thing.
So in conclusion, be aware what you make, because that will mark your life and the memories of the people around you.

Paintball0308
09-21-2006, 05:48 PM
You should replace the word fighting. I understand what you mean but it sounds like fighting as in beating people up.

DRAGON
09-21-2006, 05:50 PM
You should replace the word fighting. I understand what you mean but it sounds like fighting as in beating people up.

The password is.........."Persevere" - ;)

mv540
09-21-2006, 05:57 PM
thx!....any other mistake out there??:o i can write persevere, or persevering???

Paintball0308
09-21-2006, 05:58 PM
The password is.........."Persevere" - ;)
thats the word I was looking for.

bigred76
09-21-2006, 06:00 PM
I'll post up my revised version in a couple, or PM it to you, whichever you prefer. I see a couple of mistakes already, so I'm gonna rip this sucker apart after I copy it over to Word. ;)

mv540
09-21-2006, 06:02 PM
ok mn, pm me if you want or post it here;) whatever, is fine with me:)

bigred76
09-21-2006, 06:23 PM
OK, here's my editted version JIC I missed something. I had to change some things around, and I noticed you used a couple things repeatedly. You want to cut down on repeated phrases as much as possible, and I'd have changed them but I can't come up with very suitable replacements. I also put in a bit of my style, so if you don't like it feel free to change it. Oh, one last thing... TENSE USAGE. Pay attention what time tense you are writing in, and keep it consistent for as long as you are in that tense.


Many people do memorable things that are remembered by everyone. All your life, you are surrounded by people, like family, friends, etc. It doesn’t matter what you do, it will always be remembered; it doesn’t matter if it was bad or good, funny or risky, no matter what, it will mark the way other people see you, and how they will remember you.

There are people that don’t care what they do; but others do care, and they try to do good things so they can be remembered as awesome people. Some people say that you must do three things – as a general rule -- to be remembered in a special way: have kids, write a book, and sow a tree.

I would like that all the people I know will remember me as a person who always preserves, a man that does his best effort to give his family a good, happy life. A person that fought to reach his goals, and no matter what goals he proposed, he always reached them. I also would like to be remembered as a good athlete, a healthy man, a big, proud champion, as a professional paintball player, and for last, be remembered as an amazing father.

I'd like very much be remembered as an amazing dad, of course, and in having a great example of my dad, I can visualize how to do it, and be better at it. Another thing I'd like be remembered as is a person who likes to fight for what he believes in: a man that doesn’t give up easily to the most hard moments in life. Some examples will are: if there is no money for the house, if I doesn’t have a work or my company is bankrupt, and stuff like that.

The last important thing that I'd like to accomplish is to be remembered as a professional paintball player. That is one of my biggest goals. Being a professional paintball player is not that easy; there is a lot of competition and here in Guatemala it is hard to get involved in this sport, because is just not that popular. But fighting and practicing, I would like to reach that goal, or better said I will reach that goal.

As I said before, it doesn’t matter what you do, you will be remembered for your actions you make in your life, it doesn’t matter what you do, be it good or bad. Be aware what reputation you make, because that will mark your life and the memories of the people around you.

mv540
09-21-2006, 06:37 PM
I have a couple of qstions....oh and thx by the way!




here when you type those dashes, normally i write two or one?? - or --
Some people say that you must do three things – as a general rule -- to be remembered in a special way: have kids, write a book, and sow a tree.


Aslo, you think is better write father 2 times, or the first time father, and the dad??
a good athlete, a healthy man, a big, proud champion, as a professional paintball player, and for last, be remembered as an amazing father.

I'd like very much be remembered as an amazing dad,


Also, after the colons, it supposed to start with capital letter??? or not:confused:
Another thing I'd like be remembered as is a person who likes to fight for what he believes in: a man that doesn’t give up easily to the most hard moments in life. Some examples will are: if there is no money for the house, if I doesn’t have a work or my company is bankrupt, and stuff like that.
.

xtraking
09-21-2006, 07:00 PM
Rule of thumb, NO 1ST OR 2ND PERSON.
2nd, try and limit your use of the verb to be.
3rd, dont say SO in conclusion, or so ever
4, no contractions!

Heres your final sentence:

So in conclusion, be aware what you make, because that will mark your life and the memories of the people around you.

Heres mine
In conclusion, a person should be aware of what they make, because that will mark their life and the memories of the people around them.

i just took out so and used 3rd person, or insteand of a person, you can say one.... but a person is preferable. I didnt edit in idea whatsoever, but if oyu want help just IM me, hockeyrat96.

mv540
09-21-2006, 07:10 PM
oh thx mn....you dont have msn???

xtraking
09-21-2006, 07:39 PM
I

Many people act to where they are remembered by everyone.
All of one's life, one is surrounded by people, like family, friends, etc.
It does not matter what that person does, it will always be remembered; it doesn’t matter if it was bad or good, funny or risky, no matter what, it will mark the way other people see you and how they will remember you.

There are those who care and those who do not care about what they do in life. Those who commit good deeds, in some cases, will be rememberedby everyday people. In addition, there are some people that say; one must do three things to be remembered in a special way: Have kids, write a book, and sow a tree. What the hlel are you trying to say here?

I'd like to think that all the people I know will remember me as a person who always puts forth my best effort, a man that puts my family before myself, a person that strived to reach my goals, and no matter what goals he proposed, he always reached them. In addition, I would desire to be remembered as a first-rate athlete, healthy man, a big and proud champion. Furthermore, the two most important things for me to remembered as would be a loving and caring dad, and a professional paintball player.


Theres first half, i didnt really go editing crazy but i changed some tensese of verbs( you want the same tense to flow throughout the essay) It seems choppy with your paragraphs but didn not want to interrupt your ideas. Also, with the use of 1st person, ONLY, and i repeat, only use it when you are assigned an essay where you ahve to talk about yourself.

More editing to come.

phatphil
09-21-2006, 07:41 PM
I have to write an essay
..

xtraking
09-21-2006, 07:42 PM
i pm'd you, and yeah try and use spell check please, type it on word not on here ( im assuming you typed it here). Also, re read it out loud to yourself and get soemone else to read it out loud to you, you will find many mistakes by doing this.

mv540
09-21-2006, 07:47 PM
hahaha no!!1 I take my time, and i wrote it in word lol...damn I suck!!, and just 1 year and I examine myself of Toefl and SAT:( lol

bigred76
09-21-2006, 07:47 PM
My MSN name is "armed_future@hotmail.com" Hit me up if you still need help. And Dave, he's writing it in first person because that is what it requires. When an essay question singles you out, you write your response in first person. Otherwise it's the 3rd. ;)

xtraking
09-21-2006, 07:49 PM
My MSN name is "armed_future@hotmail.com" Hit me up if you still need help. And Dave, he's writing it in first person because that is what it requires. When an essay question singles you out, you write your response in first person. Otherwise it's the 3rd. ;)
oh i know that tim. I said that in a post or two above this. But what im saying it shouldnt be in first person the whole essay. The technique is writing about one sohuld do, or does, and then you can start a new paragraph talking aobut you. If that maeks sense, im just dead.

mv540
09-21-2006, 07:50 PM
..write

hahah, damn...that was......oh crap, I have to focus more

bigred76
09-21-2006, 08:12 PM
oh i know that tim. I said that in a post or two above this. But what im saying it shouldnt be in first person the whole essay. The technique is writing about one sohuld do, or does, and then you can start a new paragraph talking aobut you. If that maeks sense, im just dead.
Um... what? :confused: