View Full Version : The A-Hole's guide to Paintball

05-12-2006, 03:11 AM
The *******’s Guide to Paintballing

-by druid

Reproduction permitted so long as proper credit is given to me…even though Vikingshadow gave me the idea. Thanks Vike!

It’s imperative that you roll your eyes and disrupt the safety briefing by leaning over and chatting to your buddies while the Ultimate Ref lays down the law. You don’t need to hear it because you are a 3-year Veteran of the game.
At the tech area, it’s cool that you hide wrenches in your knee-pads. That way you can ‘tune’ your marker in the field when you feel your marker’s misbehaving. Rules were obviously meant to be broken!
When approaching the staging area, horse-play is always a fun way to relieve tension and stress. Make sure you are louder than the Ref giving instructions and make it boisterous enough so that no one else can hear them either. After all, you’re going to single-handedly wipe out the opposition.
It’s always a good idea to look around and make fun of the field. Make sure that your opinions of the pallet bunkers and spools are well known…because we all know you built a better field while still in diapers.
Make sure that you have the newest and coolest looking Jerseys because it makes you the best player on the field. You and your buddies should distance yourselves from the rest of the group by at least 15’ so that you stand out in the crowd. After all, you ARE better than the rest of the “noobs” - and are above reproach. Consequently, you will be the next Bob Long so you should stand out so fame smacks you in the head.
When everyone’s getting their gear out, make sure you belittle the new guy because his “Wal-Mart gun” isn’t cool enough. Sure, he’s only 15…but he should know better, right? After all, your parents have enough money to spring that G7 on you for your birthday. We all know that a $1700 marker is the absolute face-mower anyway.
Ask the A-5 owner what he was thinking when he bought his marker. Make sure he knows just who you are…the…|337@nG3LPwN3r, extraordinaire…
Woodsball and Mil-Sim is for the noob and/or the ancient…they don’t have what it takes to make it in a ‘real’ game and they are just plain ‘lazy.’ Make sure they know their place in life...right after you are taken out on the break.
People really love hearing how you are on 7 rosters in 3 classifications on 4 different teams with 12 illegal guns…and how you illegally drank/drugged yourself into a blinded stupor before trashing the hotel room. We also relish the inappropriate references towards women and are intrigued by the gory details of how you treated them. It shows great maturity in admitting your actions…and the fact that you got away with it makes it all the more tantalizing. You are so awesome; you should have a monument built in your honor.
When you $90 goggles fog, make sure you take them off during a game. Start swearing and jump up and down. Since no one will see you, it’s ok. These noobs couldn’t possibly get you in the eye because…well, they're noobs and you’re too good for that!
Make sure that everyone in the field knows your intention to knock Greg Hastings off his pedestal…and dethrone Chris LaSoya with your |337 $|{|11Z.. After all, you are the greatest thing to hit paintball in 22 years and no one can possibly replace you.
Don’t let anyone fool you…EVERYONE wipes so it’s a good idea to do it too. It’s only cheating if you get caught, so practice it religiously.
Remember…bonus balling is AGG! After all, they should suck it up because it’s part of the game. Take special note to the really young noobs. They love being abused…that’s why they’re here.
You were never a noob yourself. Straight from the womb, God imparted all the paintball knowledge directly to you…and only you. You merely had to wait until you were old enough to sign a waiver form to prove it. We need you like we need air to breathe. Will you be my friend?
Paintball is too wholesome...too innocuous. Make sure you and your buddies get in a fly low-rider and pepper the **** out of everything and everyone in town so we get all the media attention we deserve!
Freeze your paintballs so they last longer. Yeah…they’ll shatter goggle lenses but so what? I’m not aiming for goggles anyway so it should be ok. Accidents like that never happen.
Manual? We don’t need no stinking manual! That’s what tech-dudes and on-line forums are for.
Remotes? You’ve got to be kidding!
When playing in the Tourney scene, it’s especially important that the camera crews hear and record every curse word you ever learned. Make sure you let the other team they are ‘number one’ by showing them the appropriate finger. This behavior is widely acceptable because everyone’s heard and seen it before, so it won’t hurt anything. It also puts our sport into a favorable spotlight. God...you are my hero...
You’re going to make so much money off paintball it’s not even funny. It’s ok to squander away your education by doodling pictures of markers, masks and milling schemes on book covers, desks and your locker...because you’ll obviously be a millionaire before your 30. Work? Pension? PFFFFFFTTTTTTT….widely over-rated.
The next time you see a Smart Parts Ion on the field, make it your personal campaign to belittle that owner. It can’t possibly compete with your Shocker, DM, Timmy, Impulse, Viking or Borg because in no way, shape or form, can it hit 15 bps as fast as yours. After all, it’s only a spool-valved marker costing $200, so how good could it be? An upped Ion is an even bigger laugh…be merciless, infact be down-right demeaning.

05-12-2006, 03:12 AM
Make sure you look down your barrel to see the blockage. Never mind the warnings that it’ll blast your eye out of your skull, that’ll only happen if you pull the trigger. Sure, it’s happened before but it couldn’t possibly happen to you…you’re too |337 for that and you’re indestructible beyond reason. Besides…the hospital food isn’t that bad…and it'd be kinda cool having the 6 Million Dollar Man's bionic eye. Imagine the angles you could spy with THAT?!?
The next time you see a kid crying while trying to figure out what’s wrong with his marker, make sure you point at him while laughing hysterically and call yer buddies over to gawk. It’s probably his first time out or worse, his second…so by now he should know how to fix it himself. It’s probably his buddy’s gun, too…which makes it that much more funny. We need to embarrass these kids right off the field because it’s the right thing to do.
I have an idea…let’s go trolling the on-line forums! Hey, it’s fun, it’s exciting and who really cares? We can post noob questions and see if we can get flamed and get someone banned! The best part is, we don’t have to pay for wasting the band-width, waste our own time cleaning and pruning it and we can sit back and watch all the in-fighting from it!
Since steroid use is impractical in our sport, make sure that you display the excellent sportsmanship of slamming your marker on the ground, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old, punk the skinny ref or start a fight when you get eliminated. The younger crowd needs to learn this ethic. Remember...you are the One-True Paintball God. All will heed your example.
It's important to learn |337 741|{ and display it everywhere you go. Everyone understands you are AGG and will bow to your greatness.
Punctuation is pointless and run-on sentences are gold. Make sure when you go forum trolling, you utilize every aspect of the comunication skills of a chimp. No one really needs to know what you are trying to say sowhybotherw ithtakingthetime t ophraseitproperly? Right?
Stickies are on forums to irritate the crap out of you. Ignore them and they will go away.
When paruzing through sales forums...make sure you post in there so you can get someone's hopes up. Anything will do. Ask for more pictures, haggle a price and even get their paypal account...then ignore them like the Plague. They really enjoy any and all attention they get...really.
I don't care what anyone says...post counts matter. Make sure you take special note of yours. It's obvious that the more you post, the more intelligent you are. They will build altars in memory of you!
When people ask "know anything about ____?" Make sure that you speak up because your "buddy's mom's nephew's uncle's half-brother's dog, heard this ________ at the local field." It's reliable information that needs to be said. A Nation might fall into the wrong hands if you fail to diseminate the information.
When in doubt...BonusBall. That's what everyone else does.
Lasers don't burn out retinas. The warnng stickers are all wrong.
Ramping isn't cheating. Sure you never took the time to learn how to walk a trigger. Who needs intestinal fortitude to achieve glory? After all...even the CEO of Enron got away with it for a while...lack of personal strive, unethical behavior and immoral actions are way over stated.
Even though that the question has been asked 800 times before, I'm sure you could come up with a new and improved way of asking "which barrel is better?" Just rearranging a few words will suffice. Be creative, the general public's school taxes are being wasted unless you expand your horizons.
It's completely acceptable to show your support or dosapproval of a post with ONLY the appropriate smiley. Forget text. The ever-loving "dodgy" response is just good enough because we can telepathicly link to your mind through an emoticon...and it's sooooo helpful...you kow...not having to read all through the post.
OMGWTFBBQ is so cool. Make sure you start each post, thread, topic or use it in your closing because after all, it will go down in the Guinnes Book of World records as the "World's most Useful Phrase."
The more shots you take, the bigger the man you are...especially when you and your buddies stage it in the back yard and tape it for PBVids.com or Nation. Parents, adults and small children never go on these sites and will never see it.
It's cool that you never fill out your warranty card. Manufacturers are stupid. Serial numbered markers don't get scanned and recorded like you think so they couldn't possibly know when that particular marker was originally sold. It's only fraud if they find out....right?
Make sure you post some kind of illegal activity you got away with in a public and family oriented forum. Kids today need to learn your uBeR !337 skills, regardless to the fact there's probably more than one law enforcement official reading the posts. Balls to the wall, right?
Are silencers legal? Can I build one if I only use a wet-nap and some knitting yarn? I think it's legal so I'll just do it...nevermind that every forum on the planet posts the ATF link that says they're a restricted item. I think it'd be totally awesome to watch Black-BDU-Clad, Federal Agents storm my house...killing the family dog and risking my entire family's lifes. I hate my brother because he's 20 and still living at home for free. I'll stick it in his room! YEAH!!! It's only planting evidence and 'unsworn falsification to authorities' if I lie when they ask me about it...they'd never do that though. They're just cops...right? DOWN WITH THE G-MAN!!!
This is really fun...you hafta try this: When the Summer Sun makes the noon-air temperature 104*+F, get a 12 pack of Jolt Cola and slam every can within 5 minutes. The mind-busting migrane will go away in about 3 days...don't worry. We all think you have bull balls for the attempt and are proud in knowing that you will be a future leader in America. Hero-worship...yeah...that's where it's at, dude.

05-12-2006, 04:45 AM
LOL wow somehow that reminds me of a few of our local players LOL... i think i will give emm a smack next time a see emm becasue they probibly deserve it....

05-12-2006, 04:53 AM
Wow, you mean I actually inspired something like this? LOL! I snickered a little when I read this...but, you forgot a couple!

In the forums section, "Even though it's been said already, repeating it again and changing a word or two from the original answer will help because obviously it didn't make sense in the first place - sometimes requiring a second post quoting your first post" and,

"The use of "smilies" especially without text or with teh uber AGG phrase !!!!!!10101100111 LOLROFLMACOPTERBURGERBBQ is extremely important when you want to let the world know YOU have endorsed the previous statement, making it VERY important...

Do you and I have issues??? :D

05-12-2006, 05:34 AM
Great post Druid.... of course you only posted it to up your post count. I know you want that alter :)


05-12-2006, 05:37 AM
it gave me a chuckle, along with the pink font lol.

05-12-2006, 09:52 AM
Great post Druid.... of course you only posted it to up your post count. I know you want that alter :)


pfft...so much you know. I'm a druid...I already have an altar :pop: :bow: :pop:

and vike...I reserve the right to pilpher other's suggestions and add them to the bottom. This is due to the fact that I created it and posted it at 0611 hours...before alot of the members even got UP for school....

Yes...we have issues...LOL :D

EDIT: more in the second post at the bottom

06-01-2006, 07:50 PM
:dodgy: no explanation necessary :D:D:D

06-01-2006, 08:11 PM

06-01-2006, 08:23 PM
haha nice stuff here druid !!! ... reminds me of all the "uber 1337" people we have on our fields ... BTW the pink font makes me dizzy ... :p

06-02-2006, 03:20 AM
Stuff like that makes me glad that i play at a good field. We have a sort of band of brotherhood going on. Half of us dont even know each others names, yet somones cocker isnt timed right, or someones mac line starts splurging everywhere, at least 5-6 guys are there in 5 mionutes to help you out. Never will a marker go being messed up for more than 15 minutes. and if it does...Airsmith says hey come around back of the booth theres something waiting for you...Free rental for the day. Respect and kindness go a long way guys. Help your fellows out, and soon enough youll get it paid back to you

06-02-2006, 03:17 PM
hey druid you got a problem with me? wannatakeitup omfgwtf?

06-02-2006, 04:31 PM
hey druid you got a problem with me? wannatakeitup omfgwtf?
OMGBBQWTF?!?!?111?!?eleveNty!!.!>!>!> 7I-H15 /\/\4/\/ 15 G0/\//\/4 0\/\//\/Z j00!!11111!!!1!!!

06-02-2006, 04:59 PM
hey druid you got a problem with me? wannatakeitup omfgwtf?

there's never a problem with someone/something that can be controlled and manipulated easily :D

Chris Cole
06-03-2006, 04:35 PM
You forgot "It's okay to shoot the ref because they're part of ther field and they're getting paid anyway."

06-03-2006, 06:33 PM
lawl x mucho

06-03-2006, 08:06 PM
Worlds longest "what bothers me about the world post."

Congrats bud :p.

This should be in the flame therapy though j/k

cool post, hard as hell to read with pink font though.

06-03-2006, 08:19 PM
pink is "agg"....remember?

06-03-2006, 08:23 PM
that it is..:dodgy:

06-04-2006, 01:14 AM
pink is agg as a deaf person to a seeing eye dog :dodgy:

06-04-2006, 06:18 AM
:D ....ya

06-04-2006, 08:55 AM
You forgot "It's okay to shoot the ref because they're part of ther field and they're getting paid anyway."
But it's 10 extra points if you shoot the one in the blue shirt.

07-04-2006, 06:51 AM
My Fav is the part about making fun of the noob because their gun jammed or it is their buddies and this is the second time. That happened to me and I almost never went back. I just deceided I would go to another field and try again and they were super cool and so was everyone else. To this day I will always try to help someone out if I can no matter who it is.

I am still dizzy from the pink....awesome...We should all read this right before starting a game and see you wins.

07-28-2006, 02:01 PM
that was funny especially the part were you make sure the media hears and records every cures word you ever learned. lol