druid
05-12-2006, 02:11 AM
The *******’s Guide to Paintballing
-by druid
Reproduction permitted so long as proper credit is given to me…even though Vikingshadow gave me the idea. Thanks Vike!
It’s imperative that you roll your eyes and disrupt the safety briefing by leaning over and chatting to your buddies while the Ultimate Ref lays down the law. You don’t need to hear it because you are a 3-year Veteran of the game.
At the tech area, it’s cool that you hide wrenches in your knee-pads. That way you can ‘tune’ your marker in the field when you feel your marker’s misbehaving. Rules were obviously meant to be broken!
When approaching the staging area, horse-play is always a fun way to relieve tension and stress. Make sure you are louder than the Ref giving instructions and make it boisterous enough so that no one else can hear them either. After all, you’re going to single-handedly wipe out the opposition.
It’s always a good idea to look around and make fun of the field. Make sure that your opinions of the pallet bunkers and spools are well known…because we all know you built a better field while still in diapers.
Make sure that you have the newest and coolest looking Jerseys because it makes you the best player on the field. You and your buddies should distance yourselves from the rest of the group by at least 15’ so that you stand out in the crowd. After all, you ARE better than the rest of the “noobs” - and are above reproach. Consequently, you will be the next Bob Long so you should stand out so fame smacks you in the head.
When everyone’s getting their gear out, make sure you belittle the new guy because his “Wal-Mart gun” isn’t cool enough. Sure, he’s only 15…but he should know better, right? After all, your parents have enough money to spring that G7 on you for your birthday. We all know that a $1700 marker is the absolute face-mower anyway.
Ask the A-5 owner what he was thinking when he bought his marker. Make sure he knows just who you are…the…|337@nG3LPwN3r, extraordinaire…
Woodsball and Mil-Sim is for the noob and/or the ancient…they don’t have what it takes to make it in a ‘real’ game and they are just plain ‘lazy.’ Make sure they know their place in life...right after you are taken out on the break.
People really love hearing how you are on 7 rosters in 3 classifications on 4 different teams with 12 illegal guns…and how you illegally drank/drugged yourself into a blinded stupor before trashing the hotel room. We also relish the inappropriate references towards women and are intrigued by the gory details of how you treated them. It shows great maturity in admitting your actions…and the fact that you got away with it makes it all the more tantalizing. You are so awesome; you should have a monument built in your honor.
When you $90 goggles fog, make sure you take them off during a game. Start swearing and jump up and down. Since no one will see you, it’s ok. These noobs couldn’t possibly get you in the eye because…well, they're noobs and you’re too good for that!
Make sure that everyone in the field knows your intention to knock Greg Hastings off his pedestal…and dethrone Chris LaSoya with your |337 $|{|11Z.. After all, you are the greatest thing to hit paintball in 22 years and no one can possibly replace you.
Don’t let anyone fool you…EVERYONE wipes so it’s a good idea to do it too. It’s only cheating if you get caught, so practice it religiously.
Remember…bonus balling is AGG! After all, they should suck it up because it’s part of the game. Take special note to the really young noobs. They love being abused…that’s why they’re here.
You were never a noob yourself. Straight from the womb, God imparted all the paintball knowledge directly to you…and only you. You merely had to wait until you were old enough to sign a waiver form to prove it. We need you like we need air to breathe. Will you be my friend?
Paintball is too wholesome...too innocuous. Make sure you and your buddies get in a fly low-rider and pepper the **** out of everything and everyone in town so we get all the media attention we deserve!
Freeze your paintballs so they last longer. Yeah…they’ll shatter goggle lenses but so what? I’m not aiming for goggles anyway so it should be ok. Accidents like that never happen.
Manual? We don’t need no stinking manual! That’s what tech-dudes and on-line forums are for.
PFFFFFTTTTTT!!!! A SPIMMY?!?!?!?!? BWAHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR!!!!!
Remotes? You’ve got to be kidding!
When playing in the Tourney scene, it’s especially important that the camera crews hear and record every curse word you ever learned. Make sure you let the other team they are ‘number one’ by showing them the appropriate finger. This behavior is widely acceptable because everyone’s heard and seen it before, so it won’t hurt anything. It also puts our sport into a favorable spotlight. God...you are my hero...
You’re going to make so much money off paintball it’s not even funny. It’s ok to squander away your education by doodling pictures of markers, masks and milling schemes on book covers, desks and your locker...because you’ll obviously be a millionaire before your 30. Work? Pension? PFFFFFFTTTTTTT….widely over-rated.
The next time you see a Smart Parts Ion on the field, make it your personal campaign to belittle that owner. It can’t possibly compete with your Shocker, DM, Timmy, Impulse, Viking or Borg because in no way, shape or form, can it hit 15 bps as fast as yours. After all, it’s only a spool-valved marker costing $200, so how good could it be? An upped Ion is an even bigger laugh…be merciless, infact be down-right demeaning.
-by druid
Reproduction permitted so long as proper credit is given to me…even though Vikingshadow gave me the idea. Thanks Vike!
It’s imperative that you roll your eyes and disrupt the safety briefing by leaning over and chatting to your buddies while the Ultimate Ref lays down the law. You don’t need to hear it because you are a 3-year Veteran of the game.
At the tech area, it’s cool that you hide wrenches in your knee-pads. That way you can ‘tune’ your marker in the field when you feel your marker’s misbehaving. Rules were obviously meant to be broken!
When approaching the staging area, horse-play is always a fun way to relieve tension and stress. Make sure you are louder than the Ref giving instructions and make it boisterous enough so that no one else can hear them either. After all, you’re going to single-handedly wipe out the opposition.
It’s always a good idea to look around and make fun of the field. Make sure that your opinions of the pallet bunkers and spools are well known…because we all know you built a better field while still in diapers.
Make sure that you have the newest and coolest looking Jerseys because it makes you the best player on the field. You and your buddies should distance yourselves from the rest of the group by at least 15’ so that you stand out in the crowd. After all, you ARE better than the rest of the “noobs” - and are above reproach. Consequently, you will be the next Bob Long so you should stand out so fame smacks you in the head.
When everyone’s getting their gear out, make sure you belittle the new guy because his “Wal-Mart gun” isn’t cool enough. Sure, he’s only 15…but he should know better, right? After all, your parents have enough money to spring that G7 on you for your birthday. We all know that a $1700 marker is the absolute face-mower anyway.
Ask the A-5 owner what he was thinking when he bought his marker. Make sure he knows just who you are…the…|337@nG3LPwN3r, extraordinaire…
Woodsball and Mil-Sim is for the noob and/or the ancient…they don’t have what it takes to make it in a ‘real’ game and they are just plain ‘lazy.’ Make sure they know their place in life...right after you are taken out on the break.
People really love hearing how you are on 7 rosters in 3 classifications on 4 different teams with 12 illegal guns…and how you illegally drank/drugged yourself into a blinded stupor before trashing the hotel room. We also relish the inappropriate references towards women and are intrigued by the gory details of how you treated them. It shows great maturity in admitting your actions…and the fact that you got away with it makes it all the more tantalizing. You are so awesome; you should have a monument built in your honor.
When you $90 goggles fog, make sure you take them off during a game. Start swearing and jump up and down. Since no one will see you, it’s ok. These noobs couldn’t possibly get you in the eye because…well, they're noobs and you’re too good for that!
Make sure that everyone in the field knows your intention to knock Greg Hastings off his pedestal…and dethrone Chris LaSoya with your |337 $|{|11Z.. After all, you are the greatest thing to hit paintball in 22 years and no one can possibly replace you.
Don’t let anyone fool you…EVERYONE wipes so it’s a good idea to do it too. It’s only cheating if you get caught, so practice it religiously.
Remember…bonus balling is AGG! After all, they should suck it up because it’s part of the game. Take special note to the really young noobs. They love being abused…that’s why they’re here.
You were never a noob yourself. Straight from the womb, God imparted all the paintball knowledge directly to you…and only you. You merely had to wait until you were old enough to sign a waiver form to prove it. We need you like we need air to breathe. Will you be my friend?
Paintball is too wholesome...too innocuous. Make sure you and your buddies get in a fly low-rider and pepper the **** out of everything and everyone in town so we get all the media attention we deserve!
Freeze your paintballs so they last longer. Yeah…they’ll shatter goggle lenses but so what? I’m not aiming for goggles anyway so it should be ok. Accidents like that never happen.
Manual? We don’t need no stinking manual! That’s what tech-dudes and on-line forums are for.
PFFFFFTTTTTT!!!! A SPIMMY?!?!?!?!? BWAHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR!!!!!
Remotes? You’ve got to be kidding!
When playing in the Tourney scene, it’s especially important that the camera crews hear and record every curse word you ever learned. Make sure you let the other team they are ‘number one’ by showing them the appropriate finger. This behavior is widely acceptable because everyone’s heard and seen it before, so it won’t hurt anything. It also puts our sport into a favorable spotlight. God...you are my hero...
You’re going to make so much money off paintball it’s not even funny. It’s ok to squander away your education by doodling pictures of markers, masks and milling schemes on book covers, desks and your locker...because you’ll obviously be a millionaire before your 30. Work? Pension? PFFFFFFTTTTTTT….widely over-rated.
The next time you see a Smart Parts Ion on the field, make it your personal campaign to belittle that owner. It can’t possibly compete with your Shocker, DM, Timmy, Impulse, Viking or Borg because in no way, shape or form, can it hit 15 bps as fast as yours. After all, it’s only a spool-valved marker costing $200, so how good could it be? An upped Ion is an even bigger laugh…be merciless, infact be down-right demeaning.