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DFSniper
12-21-2009, 07:16 AM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by
25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members
of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to
attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best
people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of
a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree
on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of
that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express
solidarity with their striking brethren.

battlechaser
12-21-2009, 01:06 PM
So wrong, yet so right.. :p

TheDarkShadow
12-21-2009, 06:28 PM
haha I agree with battlechaser

big_daddy_d
12-21-2009, 11:02 PM
I got a chuckle out of this!

RSX99
12-23-2009, 01:16 AM
Haha, this is hilarious.

paintballkid0206
12-23-2009, 03:26 PM
lol. i read this yesterday and thats all i could think of. can'y really think of any witty comment

ferret15
12-24-2009, 08:17 AM
Update:
MEMO: Due to recent shortage in virgins you will be now entitled to raisins, but the 25% cut will not be taken into effect till later next year late in the second quarter.

DRAGON
12-25-2009, 04:17 PM
Guess that little strike left out Nigeria......

WASHINGTON (Dec. 25) -- A Northwest Airlines passenger from Nigeria, who said he was acting on al-Qaida's instructions, tried to blow up the plane Friday as it was landing in Detroit, law enforcement and national security officials said.

Passengers subdued the man and may have prevented him from detonating the explosives, the officials said.

"We believe this was an attempted act of terrorism," a White House official said.

Federal officials imposed stricter screening measures after the incident.

Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., ranking GOP member of the House Homeland Security Committee, identified the suspect as Abdul Mudallad, a Nigerian. King said the flight began in Nigeria and went through Amsterdam en route to Detroit. There were 278 passengers aboard the Airbus 330.

There was nothing out of the ordinary until the flight was on final approach to Detroit, said Federal Aviation Administration spokeswoman Elizabeth Isham Cory. That is when the pilot declared an emergency and landed without incident shortly thereafter, Cory said in an e-mail message. The plane landed at 11:51 a.m. EST.

One of the U.S. intelligence officials said the explosive device was a mix of powder and liquid. It failed when the passenger tried to detonate it.

The passenger was being questioned Friday evening. An intelligence source said the Nigerian passenger was being held and treated in an Ann Arbor, Mich., hospital.

All the sources spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation was continuing.

One law enforcement source said the man claimed to have been instructed by al-Qaida to detonate the plane over U.S. soil.

The official said an official determination of a terrorist act would have to come from the attorney general.

The official added that additional security measures are being taken without raising the airline threat level.

The official declined to describe what additional measures law enforcement was taking.

The White House was coordinating briefings for the president through the Homeland Security Department, the Transportation Security Administration and the FBI.

A law enforcement source said the explosives may have been strapped to the man's body but investigators weren't immediately certain, partly because of the struggle with other passengers.

One passenger from the flight was taken to the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor, hospital spokeswoman Tracy Justice said. She didn't know the person's condition, or whether the person was a man or woman. She referred all inquiries to the FBI.

Passenger Syed Jafri, a U.S. citizen who had flown from the United Arab Emirates, said the incident occurred during the plane's descent. Jafri said he was seated three rows behind the passenger and said he saw a glow, and noticed a smoke smell. Then, he said, "a young man behind me jumped on him."

"Next thing you know, there was a lot of panic," he said.

Rich Griffith, a passenger from Pontiac, said he was seated too far in the back to see what had happened. But he said he didn't mind being detained on the plane for several hours. "It's frustrating if you don't want to keep your country safe," he said. "We can't have what's going on everywhere else happening here."

President Barack Obama was notified of the incident and discussed it with security officials, the White House said. It said he is monitoring the situation and receiving regular updates from his vacation spot in Hawaii.

J.P. Karas, 55, of Wyandotte, Mich., said he was driving down a road near the airport and saw a Delta jet at the end of the runway, surrounded by police cars, an ambulance, a bus and some TV trucks.

"I don't ever recall seeing a plane on that runway ever before and I pass by there frequently," he said.

Karas said it was difficult to tell what was going on, but it looked like the front wheel was off the runway.

"We encourage those with future travel plans to stay in touch with their airline and to visit www.tsa.gov for updates," Homeland Security Department said in a statement.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has been briefed on the incident and is closely monitoring the situation.

The department encouraged travelers to be observant and aware of their surroundings and report any suspicious behavior to law enforcement officials.

:headbrick: :headbrick: :headbrick: :headbrick:

DFSniper
12-25-2009, 05:58 PM
actually just finished reading that article. :up::up: to the man who got out of his seat and detained him.

edit: blame the failed explosion on budget cuts?

paintballkid0206
12-25-2009, 08:22 PM
i just saw that on the news. wow... he obviously didnt get the memo. lol

big_daddy_d
12-29-2009, 02:37 AM
I hope the passengers beat the living snot out of this guy prior to cuffing him in first class...