View Full Version : Chuck Norris

spray and pray
05-15-2008, 04:54 PM
I am making this thread because I am completely bored. What is the best chuck norris joke you have ever heard?

The best one I heard would probably be "They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** out of anybody".

And once again I am making this thread because I am completely bored. Post up what you've got.

05-15-2008, 04:57 PM
There is no such thing as evolution, only animals chuck norris has allowed to live.

05-15-2008, 05:02 PM
my friend came up with one to get back at all the kids making chuck norris jokes, but i'm pretty sure it would get me banned...

05-15-2008, 05:05 PM
Chuck Norris pisses in a can and sells it. This drink is called redbull.

05-15-2008, 05:05 PM
man, now I'm gonna have to remember some of my old ant-chuck jokes.

spray and pray
05-15-2008, 05:08 PM
DFsniper-Go ahead and pm it to me.

05-15-2008, 05:13 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't break wind. He destroys it!

05-15-2008, 05:53 PM
the reason there is no signs of life on Mars is because Chuck Norris has been there.

05-15-2008, 06:08 PM
Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the back of the face.

05-15-2008, 06:31 PM

05-15-2008, 07:42 PM
Chuck Norris once ate 2 72 ounce steaks in 45 minutes, he spent the first half hour having sex with the waitress.

05-15-2008, 07:51 PM
God said "Let there be light!" and Chuck Norris said "Say please..."

05-15-2008, 07:59 PM
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck norris blows bubbles with beef jerky.

05-16-2008, 02:49 AM
these are all terrible for the record and chuck norris jokes are old. That being said....

Chuck norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Chuck norris doesn't go hunting since that implies uncertainty of success, chuck norris goes killing.

superman wears chuck norris pajamas

the boogie looks in his closet every night before he goes to bed to make sure chuck norris isn't there.

chuck norris once shot down a plane by pointing into the air with his finger and yelling "bang"

whilst engaging in intercorce, chuck norris never lets his wife on be on top, because he never ****s up.

05-16-2008, 03:28 AM
chuck norris has two speeds, walk and kill.

brokeback mountain isn't a movie, its what chuck norris calls the pile of dead bodies behind his house.

05-16-2008, 09:09 AM
when Chuck Norris does push ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding

the grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there, then it is stained with blood.

05-16-2008, 10:39 AM
If Chuck Norris was here, he'd close this thread, then hunt everyone down who posted these lame jokes.

05-16-2008, 12:16 PM
According to M-theory, chuck norris is everywhere, including here. According to chuck norris, he's wherever the **** he wants to be.

Team Ramrod
05-16-2008, 01:03 PM
The best part of waking up is NOT Folgers in your cup. It's knowing Chuck Norris let you live through the night!

05-16-2008, 01:06 PM
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

05-16-2008, 01:07 PM
One of my buddies said this:

Chuck Norries can kill two rocks with one bird.

For the record Chuck Norries jokes are getting kind of old. It was funny for the first few weeks, but now it's just annoying.

05-16-2008, 01:15 PM
no, they are still pretty funny

05-16-2008, 01:24 PM
no, they are still pretty funny

Okay, then repeatedly quote them non-stop for at least a week. It'll get old REALLY fast.

05-16-2008, 01:37 PM
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris called me today and told me that if anyone posts these lame jokes about him on this site, he would personally come and roundhouse kick them. I'm in hiding right now...

05-16-2008, 01:42 PM
lol vike. my best friend's mom's best friend from high school is married to chuck norris. dead serious, no dodgy.

to mix things up:
vin diesel doesn't shave his head, hair is just too afraid to grow on him.

05-16-2008, 01:55 PM
In all seriousness, I've actually met Chuck Norris and shook his hand and got to talk with him a bit.

Back in the 80's when I was in college, I had just started taking Tae Kwon Do classes. My instructor (a sociology professor at the university I attended) had grown up in the same area as where Chuck Norris lived and personally knew him for many years. For some reason, this professor knew a lot of famous people - he never would say how, though!

Now, back then, there was a big national tournament that was held in OKC every year (I think it was - may have been Tulsa, but it was in the state), and Chuck Norris was invited to be there. We were in the middle of class and surprise! We see this large convoy of vehicles pull up outside our building and in walks Chuch Norris with about 8 more people in his entourage! Apparently, he had decided to swing on over to our town and surprise our instructor (and my class) and visit with the instructor a bit.

The cool thing was that he picked several of the top students in the class to go and sit with him as "body guards" (so they could get in with his party) at the tournament. Unfortunately, I didn't get to go because, well, I wasn't one of the best students in the class. But, he's a really nice person in real life! (At least back then he was...)

We got an autograph picture of him, and the dojo got one (we hung it over the toilet paper roll in the bathroom, har har!) I lost mine though, somewhere over the past several years. I'll have to try and find it.

05-18-2008, 10:35 AM
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.


Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms because there is no protection from Chuck Norris

05-18-2008, 10:39 AM
Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and poop it out solved.

Y'know... I really would like to know how Chuck actually feels about these jokes... personally I'd love them.. :D

Also, there's a book of these out as well... can't remember the name of it though, got it for a friend on her b-day.

05-18-2008, 11:06 AM
"The Truth About Chuck Norris, 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human"]

Yes I own it.

05-18-2008, 11:22 AM
Chuck Norris is a really good christian. though some of his jokes are good.

Though dead baby jokes will always be epic :nododgy: :Dand get old the fastest, there so nasty but you still laugh....no clue why

05-18-2008, 01:40 PM
guns dont kill people, chuck norris does.

05-18-2008, 02:06 PM
Though dead baby jokes will always be epic :nododgy: :Dand get old the fastest, there so nasty but you still laugh....no clue why
oh my god, my friend had 14 printed pages of dead baby jokes. he told them every chance he go!

Y'know... I really would like to know how Chuck actually feels about these jokes... personally I'd love them.. :D

they did an interview, and he actually thought they were pretty funny!

05-18-2008, 02:20 PM
Q: if brett favre and peyton manning got in a fight who would win?
A: Chuck Norris

05-18-2008, 04:26 PM
If Chuck Norris was a mod he would have closed this thread.

05-22-2008, 08:36 AM
chuck norris doesnt go hunting he goes killing